Next Lot Of Jokes

[Diamond Geezer]

Must tell this to the oriental geezer next door

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . .
He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is
still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says,
"Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz
riff.

The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing
improvised moment.

When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz
chord!"

By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz
chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.

"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.

"Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind mus! ical genius.

The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:










"A jazz chord.............to say, I ruv you..." B)

[Maurice]

Stevie Wonder was being interviewed early in his career, just as he hit the big time. The interview covered all the details about how he wasn't blind when he was born and how it was oxygen starvation in his incubator that led to his blindness, how tough his childhood had been and how he had struggled to break into the music scene.

The interviewer was working towards the conclusion of the interview, saying, "So life has really been tough for you, Stevie, hasn't it?"

Stevie replied, "Oh I don't don't know, it could have been a lot worse."

"How?" said the interviewer.

"Well," continued Stevie, "I could have been black."

[Merlin the Magician]

FOR PUN LOVERS

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism

it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10.Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you

A-flat minor.

11.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12.The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

Linoleum Blown Apart.

14.You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15.Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16.He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17.Every calendar's days are numbered.

18.A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19.A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20.He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21.A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22.The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a

small medium at large.

23.Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed

in the end.

24.When you've seen one shopping center you've seen the mall.

25.Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26.When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she

thought she'd dye.

27.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29.Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30.Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of de-feat.

[Merlin the Magician]

MENS RULES

1. Breast’s are for looking at and that’s why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat, Girls. If it’s up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us moan if it’s left down.

3. Saturday equals sports; it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Shopping is not a sport and no, we are never going to think it is.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this: Subtle hints don’t work, Strong hints don’t work. Obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!

6. Yes and No are acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 day’s.

10. If you think your fat, you probably are. And while we are at it, I am in shape. Round is a shape.

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

12. Whenever possible sat whatever you have to say during commercial breaks.

13. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

14. If it itches, it will be scratched, we do that.

15. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know your lying but it’s not worth the hassle.

16. When we have to go out somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

17. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you want to discuss sex, comics or cars.

18. You have enough clothes and too many shoes.

19. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."