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Thread: Jokes

  1. #41
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    Steve, I get the impression you are awaiting applause but you have a word in your opening line which you intended to be FAMILIAR but your spelling is in fact more apt.

  2. #42
    Senior Member Steve T's Avatar
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    It's ok 221bar1, I thought it was funny and I'll settle for that!

  3. #43
    Senior Member krizon's Avatar
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    ... and I think you'll find 'has' is meant to be 'as' and 'wavered' is misused instead of 'waived' and... oh, did I tell you about this really funny joke? It's one I made up myself, yes, all by myself, about a Muslim shoe maker (they're called cobblers, y'know)...
    Power is good. Control is better. (Lenin)

  4. #44
    Ardross
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    No it is still an unfunny racist joke whether Merlin thought it up or just thought he did .

  5. #45
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    Originally posted by Merlin the Magician@Feb 27 2005, 11:38 AM

    That’s only to be expected from someone!!!! just like you!! who lives on MARS..............
    I lay claim to being the only alien on this forum !

  6. #46
    Ardross
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    Are you sure ? There is very strong evidence of others not being of this earth.

  7. #47
    Senior Member krizon's Avatar
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    It probably appealed to people half a century ago, Ardross, when one could still find the term 'nigger brown' applied to the colour spectrum, without the sense of any disrespect. It's actually a joke against whichever religion is used, rather than a race, which is why I took the mickey out of it.

    Hopefully, most of us have outgrown jokes poking fun at other people's religions (the one about pretending to be God and having anal sex with someone supposed to be a nun would be considered blasphemous to many Christians, although perhaps just distasteful and infantile would sum it up), just as we should've outgrown thinking that disabilities are hilarious. I'm not surprised that the Reader's Digest has failed to take up Merlin's offers of 'humour'.
    Power is good. Control is better. (Lenin)

  8. #48
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    There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

  9. #49
    Administrator dvds2000's Avatar
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    A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be £50." "£50?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "£200," the bartender replied. "£200?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

  10. #50
    Administrator dvds2000's Avatar
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

    "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b* (git)! You've been playing golf!".

  11. #51
    Super Moderator Irish Stamp's Avatar
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    NO SEX TONIGHT!



    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
    so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
    have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my Wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
    feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every Husband on the planet dreads to
    hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
    with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
    unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
    to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
    We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

    Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
    all dear, let's go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
    feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

    WHAT?"

    I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
    You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
    Hurricane Fly - whatever he runs in he wins

    Twitter: @Quevega

  12. #52
    solerina
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    Why is it acceptable for someone to make a racist joke and far from being pulled up for it a moderator takes part in the thread !!! I've just about had it with the double standards on this place As Ardross said this is wholely unacceptable . Are you gonna stop this kind of bigoted trash from posting or are you going to lose all credibility ? So you can bar me if you like but I'm just genuinely upset that certain people get away with murder . They post jokes in bad taste , make racist , sexist , minority , comments and they are APPEASED . IT ISN'T RIGHT !!!!

  13. #53
    Ardross
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    Solerina - this jokes thread is a general thread . It is not the original thread merlin posted on I transferred all " jokes " into it so i don't think that criticism of Col is justified on this .

    On the other hand reading it again it just gets more offensive every time you read it especially to any potential Jewish contributors so it will be deleted .

  14. #54
    solerina
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    Thanks Ardross. I was'nt commenting on the context but in any context surely this is wrong . The content is unacceptable let alone the boast that "I WROTE IT MYSELF" :brows:

  15. #55
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    Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are having a cuppa one day and Snow White says, "I'm the most beautiful person in the world!"

    Quasimoso says, "You can't come up with a comment like that without any evidence."

    Tom Thumb says, "I'm the smallest person in the world!"

    Snow White says, "Says who? Get some evidence."

    Quasimodo says, "Well, since we're on the subject, I must be the ugliest person in the world."

    Tom Thumb says, "OK, we'll meet back here one week from now and we must bring evidence to back up our claims."

    They all agree and go their separate ways.

    A week later, a beaming Snow White produces a mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

    "You are!" says the mirror.

    Tom Thumb proudly produces the complete works of Henry Fielding and points to the part which says he is the smallest person in the world.

    They turn to a sombre-looking Quasimodo and say, "Well?"

    He replies, "Who the f*ck is this Camilla Parker-Bowles anyway?"

  16. #56
    Ardross
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  17. #57
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  18. #58
    Administrator dvds2000's Avatar
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    Originally posted by solerina@Mar 5 2005, 09:29 PM
    Why is it acceptable for someone to make a racist joke and far from being pulled up for it a moderator takes part in the thread !!! I've just about had it with the double standards on this place As Ardross said this is wholely unacceptable . Are you gonna stop this kind of bigoted trash from posting or are you going to lose all credibility ? So you can bar me if you like but I'm just genuinely upset that certain people get away with murder . They post jokes in bad taste , make racist , sexist , minority , comments and they are APPEASED . IT ISN'T RIGHT !!!!
    I have no idea at all what you are talking about

  19. #59
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    A mother had 3 virgin daughters who all married within a short time.
    She told them all to send a postcard briefly telling what they thought to marital sex.

    1st girl sent one from Hawaii with only 'Nescafe' on the card.
    Mum was puzzled but went to the kitchen cupboard and there on the Nescafe jar it read 'good till the last drop'
    Mum blushed but was pleased for her.

    2nd girl sent a card from the Bahamas which just said 'Rothmans' which again
    puzzled mum but on looking at her husbands cigarette packet it read
    Extra Long King Size......mum blushed again but was pleased for her.

    Mum didn't hear anything for a month from the 3rd girl and she was getting worried until a card arrived which said in shaky writing ' South African Airways'
    Mum was concerned and looked through a 'You' mag and there she found an ad for SAA.
    It read ' Ten times a day, 7 days a week, both ways'

    Mum fainted

  20. #60
    Senior Member krizon's Avatar
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    221bar1: "A mother had three virgin daughters... " when was this joke created? 1930?
    Power is good. Control is better. (Lenin)

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