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Thread: Jokes

  1. #21
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    Joe that's correct mate one of many!!! I!! HAVE wrote mate not copied and pasted either as someone on here supposes.......... GLAD SOMEONE LIKES MY PENNINGS!!!...........

    Oh without being egoistic either have had a few things published on BBC too............... not copied and pasted either or any touch of Plagiarism either really amazing one would have thought hey!!!!
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  2. #22
    Ardross
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    Strikes me as an unfunny racist joke

  3. #23
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    Hands up who's surprised.

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    A Scottish couple are taking a weekend winter break in the Highlands.

    After a cold night they go downstairs for breakfast. There's a roaring log fire in the dining room for which the husband immediately makes a bee-line while the wife surveys the the hot breakfast buffet.

    The husband is standing with his back to the fire while the wife checks out what's under the silver dish covers. Lifting one up and seeing lots of delicious-looking rashers on the salver, she says to her husband, "That looks like your Ayrshire bacon."

    The husband replies, "No, ma dear, ah'm jist waarmin' ma hauns."

  5. #25
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    Merlin, are you sure that you actually wrote the "Cobblers to the Queen" joke?

    Because I first heard it when I was about six years old.

  6. #26
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    yes all done by yours truly word for word............ not copied and pasted I can assure you :P
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  7. #27
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    Then you must have written it a long time ago

  8. #28
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    or maybe your memory as gone???

    Do you normally question someone’s integrity or is this a moderators thing? :rolleyes

    IF I SAY I HAVE WROTE OR DONE SOMETHING........ I can assure you its absolutely the truth and nothing but the truth...... why should I say I have done something if I had not! I am a realist not like some on here..........
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  9. #29
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    Which Queen would be alive when you you were six Brian ?

  10. #30
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    Merlin - I am not in the least interested in the petty arguments that go on within this forum as I have a real life to lead. So when I say that I heard the joke when I was young, I mean just that - I heard the joke when I was young.

    It seems that others did too - read the item on this link, I think that it's the eighth one down:
    Notes & Queries

  11. #31
    Joe
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    Merlin is a MAGICIAN!!!!! at producing jokes!!! Give us some more Merlin!!!!

  12. #32
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    yes I have a life outside of here also but seems some have not.........



    Brian thats something similar but mine is and was written by ME nobody else helped or assisted..

    why would I say such a thing I have no axe to grind as such!! I never put a copyright on it either......

    I have has stated written quite a few stories and jokes but I am not on here to be egoistic or looking for praise JOE posted it, (I think I put it on here back last year but there is also a copy on TRF)... its a plain fact of life and I again rehiterate my phrases I WROTE THE ABOVE WORD FOR WORD I can't be no more sincere than that can I, why would I do such a thing as to want to lie?? its beyond comprehension.......................

    I wrote a piece on LESTER PIGGOT called The LIVING LEDGEND!!! too but see its been part stolen by another when I was surfing the other day again I failed to put a copyright on it......

    I have submitted quite a few jokes funny stories to the Readers Digest but never got any printed/published I was going to write/compile my own softback book on funny stories/jokes actual facts that have happened while in a job of work or just socialising .......that joke above is mine I can assure you of that,word for word!!! and as stated why should I say it and expect to be ridiculed.... no mate I think that you owe me an apology in this case..............
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  13. #33
    Senior Member betsmate's Avatar
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    While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along on his horse,with a dog and a sheep following him and he began a conversation.

    Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
    Indian: "Dog no talk."
    Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
    Dog: "Doin' alright."
    Indian Look of shock )
    Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
    Dog: "Yep."
    Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
    Indian Look of disbelief )
    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    Indian: "Horse no talk."
    Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
    Horse: "Good."
    Indian Extreme look of shock )
    Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
    Horse: "Yep."
    Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

    Indian Complete look of utter amazement )
    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
    Indian: "Sheep liar."
    Winners have no shame, no matter how they win - Niccolò Machiavelli

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  15. #35
    Senior Member Shadow Leader's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Merlin the Magician@Feb 27 2005, 12:38 PM
    as I have told you before get out in the big wide world
    .....as in - Wales???????
    Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

    False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

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    Super Moderator Diamond Geezer's Avatar
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    Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started ringing.
    "The owls are not what they seem"

  18. #38
    Senior Member krizon's Avatar
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    Oh, the old 'cobblers to the Queen' joke - I heard that first from my Mother when I was in my teens, except it was set slightly differently, and the punchline was 'and balls to the Pope'. Le plus ca change an' all...

    Betsmate - lovely joke!
    Power is good. Control is better. (Lenin)

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    DG

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    Senior Member Steve T's Avatar
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