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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
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    How to make a woman HAPPY ? It's really not difficult at all...
    To make a woman happy!! a man only needs to be :


    1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a carpenter
    10. a plumber
    11. a mechanic
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynaecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organiser
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
    44. give her compliments regularly
    45. love shopping
    46. be honest
    47. be very rich
    48. not stress her out
    49. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
    51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
    52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
    53. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes.

    ************************************************** *************

    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

    1. Make love to him on a regular basis at least once a week? starting Friday and ending the following Thursday........
    2. Leave him in peace to enjoy his horseracing........
    3. Feed him well……………….

    Definitely a WOMANS World......................... :P :P
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  2. #2
    Senior Member Diminuendo's Avatar
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    Not a lot to ask for is it? :P
    May the horse be with you.


  3. #3
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    Rats, I only score 52/53. No wonder Mrs Mo is so miserable at times.

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    Jesus, looking at that list, I really am destined to die alone!!

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    Hah! They've got no hope - they are total failures at multi-tasking
    Man: Do you get wafers with it?

    Salesman: Course you don't get bloody wafers with it, it's a bloody albatross isn't it ...

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    A Mutts whatabout one of these harems!! then....... surely that's multi tasking (for want of a better word ) keeping 2 dozen women happy ..... :P

    p.s. I would struggle with two....................
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  7. #7
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    There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St.

    Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge newspaper, "The

    Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the

    pictures of these 100 year old twins.



    One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

    The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her

    twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



    He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.



    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.



    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" So they

    wiggled up close to each other.



    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the photographer.



    YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



    "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"



    With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Me first!"
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  8. #8
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    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, also a blonde.

    The policewoman asked to see the blonde's driver's licence. The driver searched frantically through her handbag muttering "I'm sure I've got one...it's one of the new EU ones..." and was getting progressively more agitated.

    "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

    The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it
    to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
    "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were in the police force."

  9. #9
    Phil Waters
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    good stuff!

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    Heard a reference to this old one on the radio today - worth resurrecting:

    Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?

    Pupil: When my dad saw the painter painting the house with an artist's brush he said, "It'll take the contagious."

  11. #11
    Super Moderator Diamond Geezer's Avatar
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    William Shakespeare goes into a pub and the bartender says

    "You can't come in here. you're Bard"
    "The owls are not what they seem"

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    A piece of string walks into a bar and the barman says they don't serve pieces of string

    The piece of string replies that he isn't.

    "Really" said the barman?

    "No, I'm afraid not."

  13. #13
    Super Moderator Diamond Geezer's Avatar
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    I started to read this book about glue, now I can't seem to put it down.
    "The owls are not what they seem"

  14. #14
    Senior Member Shadow Leader's Avatar
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    COATS!!!!!!!!! !!
    Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

    False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

  15. #15
    Super Moderator Diamond Geezer's Avatar
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    I keep asking you, what's a coat ?
    "The owls are not what they seem"

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    It's the middle of January, freezing cold outside and two gentleman are seated in the lounge of their club

    The first gentleman gets up and opens the window

    The second gentleman: "Excuse me, but it's freezing out there. Would you mind closing the window?"

    The first gentleman: "But I'm a country member"

    The second gentleman: " No I don't remember, now close the fecking window!"

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    Super Moderator Diamond Geezer's Avatar
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    Originally posted by graham@Feb 26 2005, 08:03 PM
    "But I'm a country member"



    Seem to remember Luke Harvey riding a horse called Country Member and a commentator who shall be nameless who said "And here's Country Member, and I don't mean the horse"
    "The owls are not what they seem"

  19. #19
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    Not for PRUDES as we have a few on here so be warned.

    A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

    The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

    The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

    The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

    The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

    After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

    The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  20. #20
    Ardross
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    Can we have all jokes on this thread please . All the numerous threads are taking up too much space .

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