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Thread: No Sex Please We're Irish

  1. #1
    Ardross
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    The Sunday Times - Ireland



    September 26, 2004

    Cruel pinch put on Irish sexual desire
    Jan Battles



    VICTORIAN Irishmen went to extraordinary lengths to prevent themselves from becoming aroused, according to a controversial documentary on sex to be screened this week.
    The Land of Sex and Sinners, made by Tyrone Productions, reveals that a range of contraptions were invented in the 19th century to curb Irishmen’s sexual appetite. The devices were designed to be worn in bed to stop “the illness of nocturnal emissions”.



    According to Carmel Quinlan, a historian at University College Cork, the apparatuses were invented by doctors. “One was a ring that fitted over the penis and it had teeth, so I presume if erection occurred the teeth dug in,” she said.

    A pair of modified underpants hooked up to a battery punished erections with a “stiff electric shock”.

    A milder version was connected to a gramophone, which “gently woke the nocturnal emitter to their favourite musical recording”, said Quinlan.

    The documentary, which will be shown on TG4 next month, also claims a well-known Irish saint nailed his penis to the ground to stop himself being aroused. St Moling, one of the most celebrated of St Kevin’s pupils at Glendalough monastery, took the drastic action after being tempted by a “wanton woman”.

    Moling, who lived in extreme austerity, was making shoes one day when the woman began tempting him. In desperation, he took the awl he was using to pierce leather and stuck it through his penis, nailing himself to the ground.

    He then put a curse on the woman that “her genitals would be just as deformed as his” and she was subsequently raped by a group of bandits. The saint eventually became bishop of Ferns and founded St Mullin’s monastery on the banks of the Barrow in Co Carlow.

    Moling was not the only saint who mutilated himself in order to banish his lustful thoughts, according to the programme.

    St Kevin rolled around in stinging nettles “until his sexuality no longer distracted him”. He also threw a girl into the lake at Glendalough in order resist temptation, drowning her.

    The documentary by Tyrone Productions, the company founded by Moya Doherty and John McColgan, the makers of Riverdance, is in two parts and covers sexuality from 5000BC to the present. It claims the sexual antics of pagans so shocked the Roman church when it arrived in Ireland, that monks set about curbing sexual excess.

    The programme also claims that many of Ireland’s Celtic warriors were bisexual. Cu Chulainn, the mythical hero of Ulster, is described as “a social misfit and sexually ambivalent”. An academic says that in old Irish masturbation was called a hand festival, proving that it was acceptable practice until the monks prohibited it.

    “There was a profound shift in paradigm when the monastic tradition of Christianity came in,” said Jimmy Duggan, who wrote and directed the documentary. “Victorian repression harks back to that era.”

  2. #2
    Senior Member an capall's Avatar
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    I am going walking above Glendalough this afternoon. If I find a nailed todger I'll keep it for you.

    I wonder if St Moling was a dog hanger?
    "And still they gazed and still the wonder grew. That one small head could carry all he knew.

    And that small head knew that Impaire Et Passe would win the Champion Hurdle."

  3. #3
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    Puts a whole new meaning on penetration, doesn't it?

  4. #4
    Ardross
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    I feel most sorry for the poor girl drowned by St Kevin - that was a bit drastic now only if he had had one of those contraptions she would have lived

  5. #5
    Senior Member an capall's Avatar
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    If you ever get to Glendalough, look from the west side of the big lake to the other side. You will see a hole halfway up a cliff face - this is where St Kevin lived. The first is a long line of Wicklow lunatics. I am convinced it is the nuttiest county in Ireland.

    Anyway it is alleged that the girl made her way up to Kevin's hole with amorous intent and he booted her into the lake.
    "And still they gazed and still the wonder grew. That one small head could carry all he knew.

    And that small head knew that Impaire Et Passe would win the Champion Hurdle."

  6. #6
    Ardross
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    That's alright then- murder being a perfectly good response to having a pass made at you

  7. #7
    Senior Member an capall's Avatar
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    Yaeh, but she was a minger.
    "And still they gazed and still the wonder grew. That one small head could carry all he knew.

    And that small head knew that Impaire Et Passe would win the Champion Hurdle."

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    Senior Member krizon's Avatar
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    There once was a madman called Moling,
    Who, distracted from shoes he was soleing,
    Cried "Shoite! Oi've missed with me awl
    And I've gone through one ball,
    And me todger's now got a great hole in!"

    And one for Kev:

    Saint Kevin, a strange hermit, he,
    Who never made a sound;
    But, tempted by a winsome lass,
    He quickly had her drowned.

    The moral of this ghastly tale,
    For gals not white as paint:
    You'll be despatched without delay,
    While the bloke gets made a saint.
    Power is good. Control is better. (Lenin)

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