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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1621
    Senior Member Dave G's Avatar
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    Researchers for the Massachusetts turnpike authority found over 200 dead crows near Greater Boston recently and there was concern that they had died from Avian flu.
    A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that various colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws.
    By analysing the paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    MTA than hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentage of truck kills versus car kills.
    He very quickly concluded the cause:

    When Crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
    They discovered that while all the lookout Crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".
    Last edited by Dave G; 10th March 2016 at 2:47 PM.
    You should not confuse your career with your life.

  2. #1622
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    an air canada plane is on its wayto toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first classsection and sits down.

    The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

    She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she willhave to sit in the back.

    The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
    going to toronto and i'm stayingright here."

    the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells

    the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
    bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs ineconomy, andwon't move back to her seat.

    The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
    explain thatbecause she only paid for economyshe will have toleave and return to her seat.

    The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
    going to torontoand i'm staying right here."

    the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
    have the policewaiting when they land to arrestthis blonde womanwho won't listen to reason.

    The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
    handlethis. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

    he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,
    and she says,"oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goesback to her seatin economy.

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
    asked him what hesaid to make her move withoutany fuss.

    "i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto".

    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  3. #1623
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    Making a baby. This is hilarious!

    There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--



    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogatefather to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should behere soon.'

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door babyphotographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Goodmorning, Ma'am', my name is Alby he said, 'I've come to..'

    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expectingyou.'


    'Have you really?' said Alby the photographer. 'Well, that's good.Did you know babies are my specialty?'

    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'


    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one onthe couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room flooris fun. You can really spread out there.'

    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out forHarry and me!'

    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. Butif we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'msure you'll be pleased with the results.'

    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.


    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love tobe in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
    Alby the photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out aportfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

    'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you considertheir mother was so difficult to work with.'

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
    'Yes, I'm afraid so, Alby explained, I finally had to take her tothe park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and fivedeep to get a good look.'

    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide withamazement.

    'Yes', Alby the photographer replied. 'And for more than threehours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardlyconcentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, whenthe squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed onyour, uh...equipment?'

    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up mytripod and we can get to work right away.'

    'Tripod?'
    'Oh yes, Ma'am. Again Alby explained, I need to use a tripod torest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

    Mrs. Smith fainted.
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

  4. #1624
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    Sale (a)
    Sale (a)
    Sale (a)

    Tough fixtures for Enya's rugby club.
    The older I get the better I was.

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to archie For This Useful Post:

    trudij (22nd July 2016)

  6. #1625
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    Sky to show the World Origami Championships. Will be on paper view.
    The older I get the better I was.

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    trudij (8th March 2017)

  8. #1626
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    A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself. That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
    That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
    The man answered, Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air.
    Last edited by Merlin the Magician; 10th March 2017 at 12:30 AM.
    [B]I once had a photographic memory which was never developed!! that's why I get such negative responses?[/B]
    [B]I used to play the sex organ but now I'm restricted to a YAMAHA...:confused:[/B]

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    Tanlic (25th December 2017)

  10. #1627
    Senior Member Desert Orchid's Avatar
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    Apparently every morning in life Beethoven rose at 5 o’clock and meticulously counted out exactly 60 coffee beans and made his ritual first drink of the working day.

    Eventually a friend said to him, “So, Beethoven, what’s with the 60 beans?”

    And Beethoven replied, “Pardon?”
    Illegitimi non carborundum


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  12. #1628
    Senior Member trudij's Avatar
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    clearly I'm being special... I don't get it


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    Mr Brightside

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    I'm bored/ You're an idiot and I'm poking you with sticks

  13. #1629
    Senior Member Desert Orchid's Avatar
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    Shall I PM you, trudij, or will embarrass you in public?
    Illegitimi non carborundum


  14. #1630
    SlimChance
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    I knew of a man that could balance ten old Irish pound coins on his flute while not etect. He was always looking to make the bet in a bar of a Sunday morning.

  15. #1631
    Senior Member Desert Orchid's Avatar
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    In a line or up and down?
    Illegitimi non carborundum


  16. #1632
    Senior Member trudij's Avatar
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    No, feel free to embarrass me in public - I've tried and tried to make some connection between him being deaf and coffee beans, but I'm clearly blonder than I thought !


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  17. #1633
    SlimChance
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desert Orchid View Post
    In a line or up and down?
    Straight down the middle, bar getting his flute out for the lads...

  18. #1634
    Senior Member trudij's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SlimChance View Post
    Straight down the middle, bar getting his flute out for the lads...
    No wonder he left if you give away all his private happenings like that


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  19. #1635
    Senior Member Desert Orchid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by trudij View Post
    No, feel free to embarrass me in public - I've tried and tried to make some connection between him being deaf and coffee beans, but I'm clearly blonder than I thought !
    The coffee beans preamble is a simple misdirect as he couldn't have heard it. The story could have said he balanced ten coins on his whatever...
    Last edited by Desert Orchid; 20th April 2017 at 7:06 AM.
    Illegitimi non carborundum


  20. #1636
    Senior Member trudij's Avatar
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    Jokes



    Oh.


    ( thanks for explaining!)

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    Last edited by trudij; 20th April 2017 at 7:14 AM.
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  21. #1637
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    So what part of that was the "joke"

  22. #1638
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    A Lady was lying in hospital in a coma.

    Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

    The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

    After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

    The husband said, 'I'm not sure, maybe she choked.'

  23. #1639
    Senior Member trudij's Avatar
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    🤣


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    Mr Brightside

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    I know what I'm talking about/ I'm having a stab in the dark
    I'm bored/ You're an idiot and I'm poking you with sticks

  24. #1640
    Senior Member simmo's Avatar
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    Went for an interview for a blacksmiths the other day.
    “Are you any good at shoeing horses?” they asked
    “Dunno. But I once told a donkey to f*** off!”

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